TGI Thanksgiving

TGIF will be a day early this week due to Thanksgiving... seems more appropriate today.

• it wasn't worse
• not being home alone
• having my husband back (he better stay this way!)
• ice cream (mmmm)
• tea
• alarm systems
• friends
• medical care
• blog awards
• trust
• faith
• fantasy

It's My First Time...

receiving a blog award. This is from Meghann the award reads: "This blog invests in and accredits closeness."

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award".

Even though Meghann claims that she isn't good at following my blog, I suppose she's read enough to know that I needed it today. So I have gracioulsy accepted this award and pass it on with pleasure to some of the nicest bloggers I know:

and in my spare time...
Vegan Heart Doc
Cygknit

Missives From Suburbia

FMFO

Veronica Revisited
Glass by Adelina
indigirl

In other news... Todd comes home today. I installed an alarm system last night. JR has a pouinding headache, but is otherwise OK.

home invasion

As if there isn't enough drama in my life... one of those shit head punks from next door (had to be them) broke in my house this morning. went through my purse and took some cash (left more cash, vicoden and my mp3 player...and the portable DVD player was on the floor.) JR came upstairs to make tea and must have startled them and they pushed him down the stairs. he hit his head. said he was OK, but he seemed a little out of it to me. I've had ENOUGH. those punks are getting the smack down.

TGIF 11/21/08

• understanding
• compassion
• helping hands
• hot tea and warm hugs
• yarn & needles
• my new bag gloves & pretty pink wraps
• hitting things hard and often
• hip tosses
• free haircuts
• self confidence
• clarity
• conviction
• working heat
• more tea
• compliments
• uninterrupted sleep
• dinner plans
• hockey tickets

Clarity

For the last 12 years or so, I've been doing whatever I could to make life easier for Todd to deal with his BPD. I've walked on eggshells, handled him with Kidd gloves. I've buffered him from the world. there were time I've had to remind him to take his meds. There were also many times I had to beg, plead and bribe him to take them.

For the most part, he did what he was supposed to. Took his meds and behaved himself. Inevitably, something happens. He gets sick, seasonal change, extreme stress... and he is off his meds and out of whack (not always in that order...). Then, I am left to deal with the fallout - much of it he never remembers. I do. I am left to work, cook, clean and care for the kids. All while trying to minimize the crap that I know is coming. My friends and family keep telling me how strong I am. Well I am TIRED of being strong! I want normal, calm mundane and even a bit boring would be nice.

This past Saturday, he became suicidal. I called 911. He was so pissed at me for ruining his plans that he told me he was going to refuse his meds, sign himself out and file for divorce. Now, my initial reaction was the usual. I pleaded with him to take his pills. I told him we would work through this. Then I went outside to call home and check on the kids (no, they didn't witness any of the chaos. they think Daddy is in the hospital because of his concussion.). When I came back into his room, he was asleep and I decided to go home. I left my number with his nurse and asked her to keep me posted.

While I was driving home, I started thinking "What if it comes to divorce? What am I going to do?" you know what I realized? I can hire a hot young manny and move on with my life. I took a mental look around my life and took note of just how many friends and family were there to support me. It was a great deal more than I had ever realized before. Most importantly, the boys and I would be just fine.

This little epiphany has taken away the fear of the "what if". I now know that whatever is ahead of me, I am OK with it and I am going to be OK. Somewhere along the way I started to lose sight of my self, my desires, and my happiness. It is time I try to remember what they were. After all, if Mommy isn't happy.. no one is.

I am through tip-toeing around Todd. He needs to face life - and his meds and man it up. This isn't to say that I am going to pursue the divorce. I'm not. Not at this point anyway. My husband is the love of my life and when things are good (which is most of the time) they are VERY good. I am giving him the chance to take control of his health and engage in his life and his family. If he doesn't care about himself, why should anyone else?

I'm sure I probably sound like a bitch. I have been scared, hurt, angry and now, I'm beyond that. I have reached acceptance. I have accepted whatever is ahead of me and I am ready to face it.

so much to say...

This has not been a great week 'round these parts. (<-- understatement of the century!)

There is so much I want to say and so much I need to say, but I can't. I keep finding myself staring at a blank post with my fingers in the "home position" and I am just at a loss...

Partly, it is because this is rather personal. Partly because it is still fresh and raw. Mostly though, I think it is because I am still sorting out what it is exactly that I am thinking and feeling.

I think the biggest blog-blocker is that I don't want to be judged. I don't want advice. If I didn't think that my experience would help someone else, I'd just scribble my thoughts in my journal (the paper kind - so I can burn it on my death bed) and be done with it. I have some wonderful friends - more than I knew - that have been there to hold me up these last few days. They've also let me fall apart when I needed to - and I did/do need to. Sometimes it is enough to make a pot of tea, hand me a box of Kleenex and listen.

Once I gather my thoughts into something coherent, I will try again to share my adventures in bipolar land.

Happy Birthday Mon!

When we went to the hockey game for my birthday, JR asked me no less than 6 times to knit him a rasta hat. Since his birthday was in a few weeks, I went yarn shopping the next day. It was a fun knit, though it did turn out a bit big. I used some of the 1mm beading elastic that is knit into the ribbing to cinch up the back to make it fit.

the end result:



Yarn: Lion Boucle Multi in the "Sherbert" colorway (I think). I carried a strand of 1mm beading elasting through the ribbing.

Needles: US 6 & 8 (KP Options)

Pattern: Rasta Hat by Shannita Williams-Alleyne

Ravelink: http://www.ravelry.com/projects/herself75/rasta-hat

TGIF 11/14

• caring friends in a time of need
• modern medicine
• tea
• wine
• yarn
• rainchecks
• sick days
• skelaxin
• persecription coverage
• an outlet
• the new "roomie"
• free MP3 downlods (legally!)
• ABBA
• writing
• crying
• laughing
• being right
• foregiveness
• apologies
• chocolate

Bobcat

Last night, Andy & Ryan earned their Bobcat badges! and a really neat neacklace too!

They also got their pinewood derby car kits last night. Daddy is excited about helping them build! I hear Uncle JR wants to help too...

Green Belts

On Nov. 1, Andy and Ryan tested for their green belts. Their first real belt tests. They actually needed to KNOW stuff for the test. They did great.



Daddy is looking at getting his brown belt around Christmas time.

TGIF 11/7/08

• the right to vote
• grandparents that baby sit
• friends
• love
• lust
• lessons in love
• pen and paper
• new tricks
• 2 for 1 specials
• tea
• cold medicine
• sleep
• a rainy day ride home
• appreciative knitwear recipients
• hockey tickets (2 games this weekend!)

Does this President come with a Warranty?

I feel like our nation has just bought a used car. Sure, It looks great and the engine sounds good. We haven't even taken it for a test drive yet. I really hope it isn't a lemon.

Maybe I'm a cynic. Maybe I'm just bitter. I just don't trust or believe anything a politician has to say. Obama talked a big game, made a lot of promises, but all he has done so far is get elected. Now this is truly an historic event, but it isn't enough to turn this country around. Come January 20, he needs to stand behind those promises and make this country a better place to live, work and raise a family.

Election Day

It is Election Day here in the great US of A. If this is news to you, please, do the rest of us a favor - stay home. Don't vote.

I have made my choice and I will be voting this evening. I am, however, underwhelmed by the options given. I think we are screwed no matter what. I also think that our choice for VP is probably more important now than in any other election. scary actually.If the old white guy wins, he may not live out his term, but if the young black guy wins, well... lets hope they hire extra secret service... ignorant assholes abound (let's just hope they don't vote).

the thing is... I'm fed up. none of the candidates really impress me. I can't get passionate about any of them. the Democrats started campaigning early and hard for the nominations. so much so that by the time the primaries rolled around I was already reaching election overload. Now, when it counts, I'm almost to the point of not caring any more. Almost. I intend to reserve my God given right as an American to complain for the next four years.

I'm tired of the mud slinging. I'm tired of being told why I shouldn't vote for the other candidate. I'm tired of being told what the parties think I want to hear. I don't want to be sold a used car. I'm pretty sure that neither candidate is the Antichrist, Hitler or Darth Sideous. We have a system of checks and balances so that our nation won't descend into an evil Empire. Although, much of the world assumes we already have.

Now, today... it is almost over. FINALLY. but, until 8pm EST I still need to endure the "get out and vote" campaign. It was written on my bus. The cunductor reminded us to vote at every station stop. Most of my friends have changed thier Facebook status to reflect thier vote (the rest are in Canadian).

Yes, I KNOW it is time to vote. I will vote.. now, can we get back to the "real" news. I need to get caught up on Brittney Spears' latest baby daddy drama and Linday Lohan's criminal record...

Ode to Joy

Surround yourself with Joy and it will lift you just as easily as other's sorrow will drag you down.

It can be hard to chose what you surround yourself with. You don't want to abandon those you love when they need your support because it brings you down. But you can seek joy.

What is nice is when Joy finds you.

Recently, I was witness to a friend receiving some wonderful news. The next day was filled with the childish joy of Halloween (and candy!). Then, I watch a friend as he went head over heels for a decent, deserving woman. I've known him more than 10 years and I have never seen him so happy.

Now, none of this directly affects me. I wasn't waiting for any test results and I'm an old married lady. So why do I feel like I'm on cloud 9? Is it their joy surrounding me... or do I just need to get a life of my own?

TGIF - Halloween Edition

• tricks
• treats
• putting pen to paper
• trains that actually show up when/where they are supposed to.
• sleep
• tea
• costumes
• friends
• understanding
• phone calls
• B's great news & being there to share the joy with her
• celebrations planned for tomight
• the power and confidence and control I've gained in the last 12+ moths of class

BOO!

It's like a ghost blog this week....

I'm writing - but nothing I can blog.

I'm knitting - but nothing I can blog.

my kids have the pre-Halloween crazies and I'm going crazy. I'm going to need the night out on Friday...

stay tuned for some spooky TGIF tomorrow.

Can't come to the blog right now...

well.. I suppose I can .. I just did... my mind has just been on unblogable things.. well again, I could blog them, but people actually read this - quite a few actually. This topic is way to personal and deep for me to begin to discuss in such a broad forum. It (with the help of Kathy) has inspired me to write a collection of fictionalized essays/short stories, which I may at some point share. Possibly in this forum, but maybe not. How is that for vague? See.. I'm still sorting this all out in my head and it's pretty full in there right now between the topic I ponder, new changes at work (more regulations=more work) and getting ready for Halloween (it's big here!). Not to mention that I am still cold, damp and bitchy about my clusterfuck of a commute this morning. "on or close to schedule" my ASS!

as for my knitting/crocheting:

• 2 gifts in the works- can't blog those yet...
• socks are black/grey and it is WAY too dark to take a progress pick and have it actually look like anything.
• the wedding shawl looks EXACTLY like it did last time I showed you.
• I did finish this: a felted drawstring bag.

TGIF 10/24/08

• my exquisite birthday gift
• friends to share it with
• the killa dress!
• pheromones
• understanding
• non-judgemental friendship
• rules
• inspiration
• making plans
• Bender
• the pink book
• epiphany

C'ELLE NO! - revisited

almost a year ago, I posted an entry about C'ELLE. I am continuously amazed when I see just how much traffic a GOOGLE search for C'ELLE drives to my blog. amazing. I do have to say that I've been doing business with CryoCell for almost 6 years. We have Ryan's cord blood banked there, and we are very happy.

Before I go any further, read that entry (and chuckle to yourself that Deb is now pregnant).

I have to say that after using the Diva for a year, the concept really doesn't weird me out so much... but still... my budget has other priorities.

Yesterday, Denise Z. left the following comment:

Why aren't THEY PAYING WOMEN for this?!?!? I think it's a great idea - the menstrual blood truly is "holy" (for lack of a better word). Women are the only ones who have it. WHY are WOMEN PAYING MEN for this?!?!?!?!Women, we should be demanding that they pay us for this. I have studied this since 1997 - back then, my friend actually talked about creating a cup to store the blood.I would love to hear your thoughts on my comment. I honestly cannot believe that women have to pay $200!! (supposedly a deal) for this....Thank you,Denise (Ann Arbor, Michigan)

My first thought was YES! They should pay us for this, but in this case, they are providing storage for it and you are paying for the service. Makes sense since I can not cryogenicly store my blood products safely in my deep freezer (which did work well for breast milk!).

Denise does make a good point about it being "holy". For centuries (perhaps longer), menstrual blood was regarded as a sign of fertility, growth and renewal. Think about it. It comes from the same place that new life emerges (the P-word!). Even then - before male doctors got involved in "women's business" - they understood the connection and the cycle of fertility. And remember that your cycle stops if your body is not healthy enough to support a pregnancy, so having your period was a sign that you were in fact healthy and fertile.

Now, our society has evolved into a patriarchal one. One that has made this "holy" symbol into something shameful and sinful. I remember my Grandmother telling me that she thought she was dying when she got her first period. Even I was too embarrassed to tell my mother at first.

Don't get me wrong.. I'm not saying that it is all fun. The bloating, irritability and the sensation that my uterus is being yanked out through the base of my spine... not my idea of a party! But it is a time to relax and pamper yourself a bit. Don't be embarrassed. Seize the opportunity to curl up with a heating pad, chocolate, a glass of wine and a good book... or perhaps some Noro Silk Garden...

Now, shall I explain why I believe that we should refer to God the Mother - not God the Father? Perhaps another day. Right now, Pussiliah and I have to get back to work.

Women's Intuition

ladies - you have it... use it! it is that "Spidey Sense" that tells you that something is up. some one is lying, the kids are up to something, you're in danger. Hell, it's how I knew I was pregnant before it was even soon enough to take test (I'm not.. so don't even go there...). A couple of weeks ago, Crazy Aunt Purl ignored hers... (go read that post.. I'll wait.)

Scary, huh? if she had listened to herself, she could have avoided it. She is VERY lucky that she didn't get hurt/raped/mugged/killed or whatever their plans were.

What would you do if someone tried to assault you? would you panic? would you run? would you fight back?

A little over a year ago, the MMA school that my husband and 2/3 of my kids attend (in case you are wondering, Colin is still too little) offered a Women's Self Defense Workshop. I thought it was a good idea to go, so I did. There were sign ups for a weekly class at the workshop. Todd signed me up. If you know us, you know that he rarely even attempts to tell me what to do. He does offer suggestions, but he knows that I'll do what I want. But, this was about safety and he felt very strongly... and I was inclined to agree. I was slightly apprehensive about the class. I'm not a fighter and I wasn't interested in being a martial artist, but, I worked in downtown New haven and I wanted to feel safe walking to my car in the garage every day.

The class has been amazing. I am more confident and relaxed. I can do things I thought I'd never do. I can literally throw my husband over me and body slam him (hip toss)! I can throw a punch - several strikes actually. I don't hit like a "girl". I hit like a fighter. Women aren't built for the kind of power that men are, so we need to know the body mechanics behind a strike for it to have any hope of holding off an attacker. The best part? it is FUN! I save up my aggression from the week and beat up the bags, "Bob" or the instructor (man he's a good sport!). I fell strong, fierce and invincible! A far cry from the shrinking violet I used to be. I have done things in the last year that I wouldn't have even considered before.

Since the class formed, two of us have had to use the skills we've learned in the real world. Fortunately, in both cases, no one was hurt. More importantly, in both cases, we were both calm and in control during the altercation. No panic or fear - just reacting as we were trained.

Yes, I said we... I had to use my training just a couple of weeks ago. To make a very long story short. we had an intruder (an 18-yo neighbor actually) enter our home and try to hide from someone he thought was going to shoot him in our children's bedroom. Todd got him out of their room and it was clear that he was tweaking out on something (rumor has it that it was Ecstasy). He grabbed a kitchen tool that could have been used as a weapon. I had to disarm him while Todd called 911. We finally got him out and he ran off up the road to find a new hiding spot. don't know if the cops found him, but we said we wouldn't press charges as long as he stayed off of our property - inordinately.

The boys thankfully slept through the entire ordeal. Though in retrospect, maybe we should have woken them up to see exactly WHY they should not use drugs.

If you have the opportunity fo rsuch a class - TAKE IT. If you know someone that can teach you how to throw a punch - LEARN. We have an intuition, a built in alarm system - LISTEN. Be safe.