Reflections of 2009

It has certainly been an interesting year. So much has happened and much more has changed. The kids have grown so much and started new grades. I guess the best way is to take it kid by kid.

Andrew is now in 3rd grade. He's been dealing with a lot of social issues stemming from his developmental delays. He attended a social skills summer program and I think it may have done him a lot of good. He still has some problems, but he is doing his best to overcome them. We've switched his ADD meds adn I think that has a lot to do with it. He needs to do more of the work now and while it is difficult for him now, I think it is the best decision for him in the long run. He is now a purple belt in MMA and will be testing for blue in the next couple of months. He is also a Bear Cub Scout now and enjoying the new pack as well as racking up belt loops. In 2009, he celebrated his first communion - and is now disappointed that he has to wait until 4th grade to be an altar server.

Ryan is still the charmer - but now it is in the 2nd grade. He still can't sit still very well - which was making for a difficult first grade year, but 2nd is going SO much better! he had his best report card yet and for the first time ever he is at or above grade level in reading. His math test scores have all been over 100% (hmm... wonder where he gets that from...). We are really thrilled at the improvement and growth. Now, if only he can learn some patience. He had a med change too and again it is a change for the better. He is also a purple belt in MMA and will be testing for blue at the first test of the new year. Ryan is also racking up the new belt loops in Cub Scouts ( he is "winning" 4-3 right now) where he is a Wolf Cub. He has recived his first reconciliation and is studying for his First Communion - on Andy's Birthday.

Colin began ST through early intervention. He has ADD red flags all over the place, but no official diagnosis. Hist first SLP "diagnosed" him with a case of my-brothers-won't-shut-up-long-enough-for-me-to-learn-to-talk. we've worked with him to help him learn to assert himself and it has made a huge differance. He turned 3 and transitioned to the Pre-K program. He goes 5 mornings a week and has made some new friends. We're working on the potty thing. He has decided that he is too big for diapers, but the accidents are still quite frequent. Hopefully 2010 will be a diaper free year!

They are all happy and heathy and that makes me a happy Mommy.

Todd's story really ins't mine to tell, but I can tell you that while 2008 was a year of difficult health issues for him, 2009 was a year of healing. He is in such a better a better place I can't begin to tell you. We have had our bumps and trails as a couple, but we renewed our vows for our 10th anniversary as a symbol of a new begining for us.

As for me, I spent most of 2009 looking for a new job. I found one. It is an honest living and even ion my field, but a big step back career-wise. I'm notthrilled with that, but the pay isn't too bad and the job security is very good and right now that is what really counts. I'll ride out the rough economy as a construction inspector for the DOT and then move on to what I want. I was presented with an opportunity to guest lecture at CCSU - which I really enjoyed. It has alos given me reason to look back on my career and take note of its twists and turns. I think I may have finally figured out the path I've taken and the reason for it - but that is for me right now. I'll share with the world when I am ready to continue my journey. I have learned the art of detachment and the power of grattitude both of which have brought me a lot of serenity in a stressful world. I have also learned that prayer is a conversation and I need to stop talking and listen if I want to hear the answers. I've also come to accept thatwhile those answers may not be what I want, they are what I need.

So, that is it for 2009. As we move on to a new year and a new decade I wish you all peace, prosperity and joy.

'Twas the Day After Christmas

... and all through the house

every creature is stirring

and making me NUTS!!!

seriously... that jolly fat ass brought you a ton of shit and you are going to fight over a vidoe game that you've had for almost a year? how about you jump on the wii fit+ and burn off some of that sugar.

Come to think of it, this jolly fat ass should kick them both off of the wii and do some yoga... since there isn't an s-factor for the wii (yet).

So, you can expect a return to regular blogging now that Santa brought the kids a new Laptop. We stopped our internet service shortly after the old one pooped out, so I am "borrowing" an unsecured signal until we reinstate it. I am currently researching our option since we also got rid of the land line. I hate the cable company with a passion words cannot express, so we won't be spending a penny there. I'm open to other suggestions. It looks like AT&T now offers internet with no home phone service, but that would also require us to switch cell phone carriers - which may not be a bad idea. Anyway, there are options to weigh and plans to compare, so bear with me.

For now I try for 2 weekly posts - an weekly recap and TGIF. The TGIFs are really for me, but I hope you are all inspired by them to do the same. It is really quite powerful when you get down to it.

Christmas recap:

lots of Wii games, the netpal and Cars for Colin. Todd got a GPS, some DVDs and we both got new tires for the car (amazing what happens when you grow up, huh?). I got a couple movies and lots of bling for my Pandora bracelet. most of all, a healthy hubby and 3 happy kids. 2009 has been a pretty good year to me, but that'll be another post.

A long overdue update

I know. I know.... I miss my blog - even if no one reads it, it makes me happy. The good news is that one of Santa's elves just told me a new laptop may be under the tree. (Actually, I Santa may set it up ahead of time and put a bow on the amoire for the kids to find after all the rest of the gifts are opened.) My very smart and very cool cousin Kerry just told me about the Disney Netpal and it looks perfect for the kids (and I can blog on it).


so, a quick round up....

Andy and Ryan are pretty much the same - just taller. They are both still in MMA, but Ryan is now a higher rank than Andy (D'oh).


Ryan actually is having his best year yet academically, but best of all NO behavior issues. Andy's grades are pretty good, but his effort is lacking. If he did more than the minimum, he'd have all A's. He is also going to get OT for his handwriting and they are having him work on typing to help him keep up cognitively - hence the kid friendly computer.


Colin is now in Pre-K and LOVING it. He was the only student in his class for a while, but now he has two new friends. They are going to increase his class time to 5 mornings a week - YAY! He is going to have such a great time. He wants to get on the bus every morning anyway. That will start after Thanksgiving break. He wants to take karate too, but we told him he has to go poopy on the potty first.... soon enough...


Todd is back in MMA as well. I should actually start with - Todd is back. there are no words to truly explain what the last year has been like for us. The changes he has made in himself are astounding. He is a new man, and trust me the changes are for the better. Our lives now are so different from what they were last year that it is sometimes hard for me to remember what it was really like then. Don't get me wrong, the insanity isn't 100% gone, but now it is just fun insanity - or kid related.


As for me... I don't know where to start. The new job is OK. The work is easy. The hours are... well they vary. I'm at the end of a 3 month night rotation now. The nights are sometimes hard, but it does offer me a lot of flexibility for the days. I am actually going to guest lecture at CCSU this morning and I'm looking forward to it. It is really amazing what opportunities have opened themselves up to me now that my decisions are based on my own desire.


how about some pics?


I am doing a BOTM on Ravlery and I'm assembling the strips and lap quilting them. The print fabrics are vintage feed sacks. This is the first strip:



The back pieced from the scraps

the first block of the next strip

scraps from that block for the backing strip

This is a top that I threw together last week from strips in my stash.

As you can see, I've been in more of a sewing mood lately. I have been knitting too, but mostly boring utilitarian socks for work.

FO Round Up.

Once the Anniversary Shawl was done, I could wrap up the other projects I had going.

First, I finished Todd's Heavy Metal Monkey socks.

Then I finished off my socks to go with my Tubey sweater.

After everything was done... I needed a new project.

fraternal Jaywalkers for Todd.

Ooops - I did it again!

A few years ago, my parentsw participated in our Church's Anniversary Mass. It is a mass vow renewal for couples celebrating 10th, 25th, 40th and 50th anniversaries. Todd thought it was cool and suggested we should do it for our 10th and at the time I agreed.

Well, year #9 has been a really rough one. At one point I found myself holding the business card of a divorce lawyer. I wont get into specifics, but things needed to change. Luckily (for him) they did and now we are able to work through the rest of the issues. Things aren't perfect, but we're human and therefore imperfect. Marriage is a constant effort, but now I find myself wanting to work at it again.

As our actual anniversary approaches (May 22), we are re-learning who we both are and how our relationship works. What better way to make a fresh start than to renew our vows?

See my shawl? Yeah.. I finished it in time! I started it last June and it got tossed in a corner as the shit hit the fan. Once it became clear that things were changing for the better, I pulled it out and got back to work on it. I finished it at 2am - the ceremony was at 11! I really like how it came out.

I took this photo in the garden mom planted in her yard for my wedding pictures.

Here are some detail shots. The lace blocks are Lillies of the Valley and Heather - both of which were in my wedding boquet. I also crocheted some beads on the hem to give it some weight at the ends.

Clarity

For the last 12 years or so, I've been doing whatever I could to make life easier for Todd to deal with his BPD. I've walked on eggshells, handled him with Kidd gloves. I've buffered him from the world. there were time I've had to remind him to take his meds. There were also many times I had to beg, plead and bribe him to take them.

For the most part, he did what he was supposed to. Took his meds and behaved himself. Inevitably, something happens. He gets sick, seasonal change, extreme stress... and he is off his meds and out of whack (not always in that order...). Then, I am left to deal with the fallout - much of it he never remembers. I do. I am left to work, cook, clean and care for the kids. All while trying to minimize the crap that I know is coming. My friends and family keep telling me how strong I am. Well I am TIRED of being strong! I want normal, calm mundane and even a bit boring would be nice.

This past Saturday, he became suicidal. I called 911. He was so pissed at me for ruining his plans that he told me he was going to refuse his meds, sign himself out and file for divorce. Now, my initial reaction was the usual. I pleaded with him to take his pills. I told him we would work through this. Then I went outside to call home and check on the kids (no, they didn't witness any of the chaos. they think Daddy is in the hospital because of his concussion.). When I came back into his room, he was asleep and I decided to go home. I left my number with his nurse and asked her to keep me posted.

While I was driving home, I started thinking "What if it comes to divorce? What am I going to do?" you know what I realized? I can hire a hot young manny and move on with my life. I took a mental look around my life and took note of just how many friends and family were there to support me. It was a great deal more than I had ever realized before. Most importantly, the boys and I would be just fine.

This little epiphany has taken away the fear of the "what if". I now know that whatever is ahead of me, I am OK with it and I am going to be OK. Somewhere along the way I started to lose sight of my self, my desires, and my happiness. It is time I try to remember what they were. After all, if Mommy isn't happy.. no one is.

I am through tip-toeing around Todd. He needs to face life - and his meds and man it up. This isn't to say that I am going to pursue the divorce. I'm not. Not at this point anyway. My husband is the love of my life and when things are good (which is most of the time) they are VERY good. I am giving him the chance to take control of his health and engage in his life and his family. If he doesn't care about himself, why should anyone else?

I'm sure I probably sound like a bitch. I have been scared, hurt, angry and now, I'm beyond that. I have reached acceptance. I have accepted whatever is ahead of me and I am ready to face it.

so much to say...

This has not been a great week 'round these parts. (<-- understatement of the century!)

There is so much I want to say and so much I need to say, but I can't. I keep finding myself staring at a blank post with my fingers in the "home position" and I am just at a loss...

Partly, it is because this is rather personal. Partly because it is still fresh and raw. Mostly though, I think it is because I am still sorting out what it is exactly that I am thinking and feeling.

I think the biggest blog-blocker is that I don't want to be judged. I don't want advice. If I didn't think that my experience would help someone else, I'd just scribble my thoughts in my journal (the paper kind - so I can burn it on my death bed) and be done with it. I have some wonderful friends - more than I knew - that have been there to hold me up these last few days. They've also let me fall apart when I needed to - and I did/do need to. Sometimes it is enough to make a pot of tea, hand me a box of Kleenex and listen.

Once I gather my thoughts into something coherent, I will try again to share my adventures in bipolar land.

Happy Birthday Todd!

Happy 34th to my darling hubby!

So, what did the Birthday boy get? well, yesterday he got this:



That's right... it's back to school for the big guys! Daddy used his quiet day to get his arm tattoo worked on. it's been 1/2 done and looking pretty sad for a long time.

The big boys had a great first day. They love their new teachers and are very excited about a new year!

I got to spend the day monkeying around with Colin... and speaking of Monkeys and Colin... he had his party on Sunday:

overall, an extra good extra long weekend!

(Not Just) Daddy Day Camp

I just started a new blog dedicated to what our family refers to as "Daddy Day Camp" (we coined the phrase BEFORE the movie - which we haven't seen yet). The details are on the blog, but it will chronicle the activities that we set out for the kids (crafts and such) to keep them busy - and Daddy sane. I'm also adding in links to activities as I find them. enjoy!

(Not Just) Daddy Day Camp

Maiden Square Garden

Now, I've never not liked Maiden. I've always liked their music - even when it fell into the catagory of "noise comming from my brother's room". when we were dating, Todd made me a mix tape (geez.. that puts a date on it, doesn't it?) of mostly Zepplin and Maiden. I LOVED it and listened to it when I was delivering fried chicken in the projects.

On Father's Day, Todd and I (and several thousand other people) went to see Iron Maiden at Madison Square Garden. I can honestly say that I am now a "real" Maiden Fan (and I added Bruce Dickenson to my "list")!

We both broke the "don't be that guy" rule - and as it turns out, so did about 90% of the people there - and when MSG is sold out.... that is a LOT of people! We came out of Penn Station and it was just a sea of black T-shirts with various incarnations of "Eddie". I wore a "Killers" shirt - similar to the one Colin wore home from the hospital.

These guys rocked the Garden for a solid 2 hours....well, not solid... they did take a a break for a game of soccer football when the PA system lost power during... are you ready?......Powerslave... yeah... the irony was lost on noone. They handeled it with a sense of humor - and a ball that magically appeared from backstage.



oh yeah.. did I mention where our seats were? we were in the "I LOVE Maiden, but I'm too damn old for General Admission section... side stage.. 4 rows back! our view of the stage was somewhat obstructed, but it was kind of cool getting a bit of a backstage peek. I took these with my cell, so they aren't the greatest, but you get an idea of our view...

9 years and counting!

Today, Todd and I celebrate 9 years of marriage. In some ways it seems like just yesterday, but in others it feels like we've always been together.

Happily ever isn't always easy, but the good certainly outweighs the bad by a long shot. We do have our bad days, but we deal with them as they come - and we learn from it. We have grown individually and as a couple. It makes the good days even better!

I want to post a wedding picture, but we were married SO long ago that all of our pictures are on this stuff called film (remember that?) and I've yet to scan them in.

Just keep knitting

Well that certainly was a "fun" weekend.

I've blogged about Todd's BiPolar recently. We (that is his Dr and I) decided that I've had enough, he's had enough and he needs to be in a place where he can be monitored. So, he is in the hospital. No major crisis, but we felt it best to avoid one which I am sure was imminent. His med levels were low, so that is good news - an easy fix. I miss my hubby. I'll be glad to have him back to himself and back home.

While Todd was on his way to the hospital, I took the boys to their first karate tounament. They are SO proud of themselves! They should be! They both did a great job and were great sports.

first up was sparring. Ryan beat Andy to win 5th place. Andy came in 7th. (Andy is in yellow, Ryan in Blue Camo).



I didn't get pictures of Sweeping, but Ryan got a "Great Job" trophy and Andy came in 3rd. He doesn't like being taken down- AT ALL!

Last up was the joust. Ryan came in 8th. Jousting is easily Andy's best event. He has a technique that works for him - usually. One kid did outsmart him. He came in 2nd!

The Father of one of the boys he beat actually called him a bully. Anyone who has actually met my eldest child knows how laughable that is. He has PTSD. He is literally afraid of his own shadow! He is SO far from being a bully. I wanted to say somethign to the dad, but Andy didn't hear him and I didn't want to ruin his moment, kwim? I guess this guy didn't like that his kid lost or didn't understand the rules - basically he wasn't listening when Sabunim was speaking before the event. I know that if Andy were not following the rules or being unsportsmanlike, Sabunim W would have warned and then disqualified him.

with the whole Daddy in the hospital thing, I didn't think to get pictures of them with their trophies. I will! I promise!

Sunday was Andy's soccer game. I do'nt know why we went. He hardly played- and when he did he totally ignored his coaches (which is why he hardly played). though, I didn't medicate him because he was medicated all day Saturday for the tournament.

For Mother's Day, the big guys got me flowers at the school plant sale and Colin slept in until 9! we went to my parents for lunch- made by my Dad! Colin LOVES pasta!


Between the kids Karate Tournament, a Soccer Game and my huband being in the hospital, I got a LOT of lace knit on my Zaftig.


now I need to try it on. Hope it fits. See how much longer it needs to be. The lace is a horseshoe lace. I increased from a US4 to a US6 for the first 4 repeats and then switched to US8. I may go up again...

Say my name Bitch!

I recently became aware of an interesting phenomenon (do do da do). When speaking about me to his friends, he refers to me as "my wife". Territorial much? nah - he's not like that. It apparently never occurred to him that if doesn't use my name, people will refer to me as "Todd's Wife".

Yes, I am his wife. Yes, I've been called MUCH worse. Yes, I have my own name!

It never really bothered me until I noticed that people really didn't know my name. People we've known for a year or more! One guy, we've known for YEARS - as in before kids, calls me Cat because he wasn't exactly sure what my name was. One guy - who is notoriously bad with names kept asking me my name and still gets it wrong on occasion. Another friend said in passing "oh yeah, that's Todd's wife."

The name is Catie. use it!

I also answer to beautiful, sexy and gorgeous.

When I tell people that Colin has weaned, the usual response is "you finally got your body back".

I beg to differ.

This is NOT the body I had 8 years ago. I wore a bikini- in public. Even though I am the same theoretical size as I was then, you will not likely see me in one this summer. My stomach still looks like a deflated balloon - stretch marked and saggy. Thanks to my husband loving me with candy, my ass is certainly not any smaller.

There are some pluses though. I've got some pretty cool ink that makes me happy. A new piercing that makes me REALLY happy. The arm flab is gone. The "girls" have not (yet) deflated.

Most importantly, I am physically and mentally stronger. I am far more comfortable in my saggy, stretch marked skin. Maybe that has more to do with the wisdom of being 30-something. Whatever the reason, I am happy with this new model, but I'd still like to bring it into the shop for a tummy tuck, and I may need a boob lift once all the milk is gone.

Now aren't you all glad you got to know me this well?

It's a tree and a flower.

5 points if you can name the tree/flower
10 points if you can name the movie!

The flowering trees are in bloom. Spring is finally here. Spring brings with it warm weather, sunshine and fresh air. It also brings rain. In my house, change of season also mean that Todd's bipolar flares up.

I love my husband, but I HATE the disease. I hate that it can come without warning. I hate that people think he is just crazy or that he has some control over it (He doesn't. It is a chemical imbalance.). I hate that there is nothing I can do about it.

I'm an engineer. I solve problems - it's my job. He can't control it and I can't fix this and it just pisses me off.

When he has an "episode", the best I can do is get him to take his "happy pills" and wait for the bipolar to subside and my husband to return when the meds wear off. When he finally regains consciousness, he remembers little to nothing of what happened. He goes back to living life as normal.

Unfortunately, I don't get a little pill that knocks me out until everything is wonderful again. I don't get the joy of not remembering. The damage is done and I am left to pick up the pieces (sometimes literally) and try to explain things to my kids.

What I do get is a big pile of "suck it up" with a side order of "be strong". yeah thanks. That will help a lot when we are both locked up in the loony bin (Do think they'd let us share a room?). I am human. I can only take so much.

Don't get me wrong. When things are good - and they usually are- they are very good. But when he has an episode, I feel like the world is falling down around me. I always take them as a personal assault (I am being figurative here. He has never and would never hurt me or the kids). I feel like I let it happen- like I let him and our family down.

The biggest bitch of it all is that what I need most when all this shit is going on is for my husband to rub my shoulders, kiss my neck and tell me everything is going to be fine. Problem is, my husband, partner and best friend is (hopefully) well sedated. It is just me and my depleting stockpile of "deal with it" putting on a smile for the kids. There is only so much a pot of tea and knitting can do (but they do help a lot. I always carry emergency knitting - even if it isn't "practical").

By now, if you've actually read this far, you are probably wondering what the hell brought this on. Yesterday was all about the kids and yarn - today, Bipolar. Well, he's had 2 fairly minor episodes in the last 6 weeks, with a hypo manic phase in between. While the severity and duration was small, the frequency is what worries me. I fear what is called "rapid cycling" - lots of ups and downs in a short period of time. People don't rapid cycle for long. Either they get it under control or it kills them. He was rapid cycling when he was diagnosed 10 years ago and it was brought under control. If it happens again, can someone come please watch my kids, because I think they'll be carting me off as well.

So, what was the point of this? Not to bitch/whine/complain about a fairly personal matter on the Internet - not my style. I tend to aim my wrath at its intended target rather than suck the people around me into my vortex. The reason I am posting this (and I am hesitating on the publishing part) is that people with BPD, have a variety of drugs and support groups at their disposal. Those of us that love someone with BPD are pretty much screwed. I'm hoping I am not alone in this. I'm pretty sure I'm not and I hope that someone who needs to know that they aren't alone reads this and finds at least a shred of comfort or relief. Also, Todd and I have never kept his illness a secret. why give it that kind of power over our lives? It already has enough.