It's a tree and a flower.


5 points if you can name the tree/flower
10 points if you can name the movie!

The flowering trees are in bloom. Spring is finally here. Spring brings with it warm weather, sunshine and fresh air. It also brings rain. In my house, change of season also mean that Todd's bipolar flares up.

I love my husband, but I HATE the disease. I hate that it can come without warning. I hate that people think he is just crazy or that he has some control over it (He doesn't. It is a chemical imbalance.). I hate that there is nothing I can do about it.

I'm an engineer. I solve problems - it's my job. He can't control it and I can't fix this and it just pisses me off.

When he has an "episode", the best I can do is get him to take his "happy pills" and wait for the bipolar to subside and my husband to return when the meds wear off. When he finally regains consciousness, he remembers little to nothing of what happened. He goes back to living life as normal.

Unfortunately, I don't get a little pill that knocks me out until everything is wonderful again. I don't get the joy of not remembering. The damage is done and I am left to pick up the pieces (sometimes literally) and try to explain things to my kids.

What I do get is a big pile of "suck it up" with a side order of "be strong". yeah thanks. That will help a lot when we are both locked up in the loony bin (Do think they'd let us share a room?). I am human. I can only take so much.

Don't get me wrong. When things are good - and they usually are- they are very good. But when he has an episode, I feel like the world is falling down around me. I always take them as a personal assault (I am being figurative here. He has never and would never hurt me or the kids). I feel like I let it happen- like I let him and our family down.

The biggest bitch of it all is that what I need most when all this shit is going on is for my husband to rub my shoulders, kiss my neck and tell me everything is going to be fine. Problem is, my husband, partner and best friend is (hopefully) well sedated. It is just me and my depleting stockpile of "deal with it" putting on a smile for the kids. There is only so much a pot of tea and knitting can do (but they do help a lot. I always carry emergency knitting - even if it isn't "practical").

By now, if you've actually read this far, you are probably wondering what the hell brought this on. Yesterday was all about the kids and yarn - today, Bipolar. Well, he's had 2 fairly minor episodes in the last 6 weeks, with a hypo manic phase in between. While the severity and duration was small, the frequency is what worries me. I fear what is called "rapid cycling" - lots of ups and downs in a short period of time. People don't rapid cycle for long. Either they get it under control or it kills them. He was rapid cycling when he was diagnosed 10 years ago and it was brought under control. If it happens again, can someone come please watch my kids, because I think they'll be carting me off as well.

So, what was the point of this? Not to bitch/whine/complain about a fairly personal matter on the Internet - not my style. I tend to aim my wrath at its intended target rather than suck the people around me into my vortex. The reason I am posting this (and I am hesitating on the publishing part) is that people with BPD, have a variety of drugs and support groups at their disposal. Those of us that love someone with BPD are pretty much screwed. I'm hoping I am not alone in this. I'm pretty sure I'm not and I hope that someone who needs to know that they aren't alone reads this and finds at least a shred of comfort or relief. Also, Todd and I have never kept his illness a secret. why give it that kind of power over our lives? It already has enough.


What the hell have I been up to?

not much... HA!

Saturday, I finally got Colin's pictures done. I've only been trying to do this for what? a year. Having time and money simultaneously is not always easy. Finally the stars aligned. Jerry did them for us again (baby belly pics, newborn pics, baby pics ). We even got some of Andy, Ryan and all three together. This proved to be harder than that whole time/money thing. Ryan threw an hour long tantrum-a-thon the night before over wearing the matching outfits. Andy was in typical ADD form - not to mention the fake smile phase.. here are the highlights (click to enlarge)

Signing "more"

Practicing for a calvin Klein ad

NO! you can NOT have my sippy.

Nap time
Sunday, Andy had another soccer game. again - bad Mommy - no pictures. again, you're not missing anything... at least he had fun, right?
After the game, we dropped the kids off and Todd and I went to Mecca WEBS for the Yarn Harlot's appearance (check out her blog. Cynthia and Em are on there!). Talk about "freaking out the muggles"! After her talk, knitters walked through Northampton enmasse to the signing at WEBS. (hmmm... wish I thought of taking a picture of that... it would probably look good right about here...) What would you do if you saw 1000+ knitters wandering through town? I did get to see Cynthia and (blogless)Dar as well as meeting the Harlot herself. She is as warm, gracious and funny in person as she is in her blog. There was yarn shopping as well (nope.. no pictures of the stash either... sigh.. you will see it as WIPs though) and lots of enabling by my (sock) loving husband. He even got to show off his hand knit socks to people that "get" it-and they were impressed! After all the walking, knitting and shopping, Todd and I stopped in a real resaurant (you know with dishes and silverware - and NO kids!) and had a nice quiet dinner.
Last night, I got a call from (blogless) Kathy. "Guess what I got in the mail?" hee hee I knew what it was! It was Deloris and her Biological clock:

the pictures suck (at least I remembered to take them before I put them in the box)- but yes, it is what you think it is! The clock was knit using the womb pattern from knitty . I just put a clock in before the decreases. I was really happy that Kathy saw the humor and it put a smile on her face. I love to make things for people who really appreciate them.
Also on the knitting front, I am almost done with Pomatamus (???) and I cast on Zaftig last night. but this post is long enough don't you think? stay tuned for more on that and even more people who don't know how to park...


TGIF 4/25

tough one this week

  • ibuprofrin
  • "good" drugs
  • friends
  • family
  • my bike
  • my body
  • my sanity (ok- that one is questionable!)
  • knitting
  • painted toes
  • unblogable knitting
  • the "cure"
  • my boys
  • ass-kicking class
  • tea
  • water
  • bananas
  • the Diva
  • playdates for Colin ("more Zack!" says Colin)
  • accepting invitations
  • the "island"
  • fringe benifits
  • weaning for the last time (kinda sad about this one at the same time...)


You might work with men if.....

  • you go to get a beverage and find only 3 drops of water left in the cooler.
  • you go get a paper towel to wipe of the spill from filling the cooler and find an empty cardboard tube.
  • you reach for sugar to put in your tea to find the container empty in spite of the large case of sugar packets in the cabinet.
  • you dramatically change you hair cut/color/style and noone notices.
  • you lave your "office shoes" home and end up wearing your sneakers with your pantsuit all day. noone notices.
  • coworkers begin conversations with "you need to talk to my wife/girlfriend.."
  • coworkers assume you know nothing about sports and might not be interested in using the company box seats at Shea (so SO wrong!).
  • you are assumed to be the company authority on stain removal.
  • you get married and it doesn't occur to anyone that you may have changed your name.

my apologies to Mr. Foxworthy.


TGIF 4/18

  • Tony's Bikes & Sports
  • Trikie
  • yarn
  • fabric
  • Lazy Girls
  • comfy shoes
  • conductors who pay attention
  • tea
  • hugs & cuddles
  • grandparents
  • friends
  • living across the street from a playground
  • laundry
  • Daytrana
  • season barstools!
  • VIP parking pass for Shea!
  • text messages
  • suprises in my tote bag
  • Roses for no reason
  • Fridays
  • being ME


You Park Like an Asshole- Part 1

well, I don't mean you. Not unless you are the genius responsible for this stupidity (check out this site for more parking assholes!):


This dumbass managed to block BOTH of my driveways at the same time! JACKASS!

I Live on a corner. On one side of the lot there is a hydrant and our two driveways. There are several "NO PARKING" signs that indicate that you can not park from before the hydrant until the other side of the corner. Not to mention the "DO NOT BLOCK DRIVEWAY" signs.

Why is this such an issue in suburbia? We live across the street form a park. We go through this crap EVERY softball* season. Appearantly, these guys can play ball and drink beer, but are incapable of walking a block to get to the field. Then they wonder why I get so pissy about it. How about I block your damn driveway EVERYDAY, shout obsenities and sit on your lawn drinking piss beer and talking loudly until 10 pm even though you repeatedly tell me to keep it down because the babies are sleeping. think you'll get pissy? Just wait unil I start turning your sorry asses in for DUI....

*I love softball. It isn't summer without the clink of the bat and the chatter of the game. We spend summer nights eating dinner on the front porch and watching the games. I jsut don't think it is too much to ask for a little common curtosy...


Kitchen Shit

When digging out the bikes the other day, I had to move a bunch of Todd's music crap (I'm sure it is wonderful, but it isn't mine, so it's crap). Behind that were 2 boxes sitting on the backseat of a minivan we traded in 3 years ago (Todd's minivan. I stand behind my "no sliding door' policy). Behind that I found the bikes.

I brought the two boxes into the kitchen, but I didn't get to unpack them until last night. one box was marked only "fragile". It contained the remainder of the Easter decorations that I was looking for 6 weeks ago (and the last 2 Easters as well).

The second box was labeled in my darling hsuband's hand "kitchen shit". I bet you are asking yourself what "kitchen shit" consists of. Here is a list:
  • the "chip" portion of my chip 'n dip set (the "dip" was unpacked and put away over a year ago).
  • 2 candleholders that belong in the master bedroom.
  • 1 crystal wine glass (it was happy to be reuinted with its friends!)
  • 1 depression glass bud vase
  • a copy of "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding"
  • my garden clogs
  • 1 pair Doc Martins
  • 1 pair leather sandals
  • 1 softball cleat (notice I didn't say pair?)
  • 3 purses I don't remember owning
  • a small wall mirror that also belongs in my bedroom

who packed that box? monkeys? I'd blame it on Todd, but as I recall he did more of the labeling, carrying and complaining than any actual packing.


A Weekend Full of Surprisees!

Surprise #1

  • I have decided that now that it is nice out, I can ride my bike the 1.8 miles to the train station every day. I have a bike - it's in the garage in the same EXACT spot it has been in for +/- 4 years (with hte fire and all it got burried). I dug it out, wiped it down and SURPRISE!- tires are dead flat. I put some air in them and WD-40'd the chain and decided I'd take a round trip test ride to the station on Saturday. SURPRISE! I made it around the block. The tires wouldn't hold air, the brakes stuck and it was shifting like CRAP. so.. off to Tony's it went. It'll be there until next Saturday, but when I get it back, it'll have new tubes, street tires and probably at least one new shifter cable. I was SURPRISED at how relatively inexpensive the servicing is. (GREAT service BTW! I highly recomend Tony's!). I'll also need a new lock and a new helmet (those things expire, you know) then I am good to go. all in all I'm looking at about 3 weeks cab fare in cost.

Surprise #2

  • The boys are on "spring break". Didn't they just have a vacation? Andy went to my parents last night for a sleepover. Colin and Ryan camped out at the other grandparents. SURPRISE! our dinner guests had an emergency and cancelled on us last minute. we had an afternoon/evening to ourselves! What do we do? we went to a hockey game, picked up take out and played with LEGOs. Wild times at our house!

Surprise #3

  • At the game, Todd went out for a smoke (he knows! he's trying!) and ran into a sales guy. SURPRISE! we're getting season tickets to the Sound Tigers next season. well, actually, it is a 20 game package - half season. 2 seats in the "barstool section"! WOO HOO!

ETA: DUH! I forgot one!

Surprise #4

  • long story short, Todd suggested I go to see the Yarn Harlot at WEBS with his friends wife. THEN he asked if it was OK for him to go too! uh YEAH!


TGIF- 4/11

  • making a TGIF list to remind me it ain't all bad..
  • a yummy lunch with amusing coworkers
  • phish vs. fish
  • apologies from rude clients (FYI- it gets your work done faster!)
  • tea and cookies
  • "air"time
  • power
  • control
  • pomatamus
  • Chloe
  • biker chick
  • date night! (again - I KNOW!)
  • Mr. Krabs
  • P/T meetings
  • good boys
  • monkeying around!
  • hoop-D
  • Zen
  • Confidence
  • Did I mention it is SPRING!


TGIF- 4/4/08

This week, I am grateful for/that:

  • a sense of humor
  • the ability to laugh at my own stupidity as well as others
  • rolling with the punches
  • serendipity
  • friends
  • music
  • laughter
  • "date night"
  • opportunity
  • safety pins
  • tea
  • ibuprofrin
  • camera phones
  • pomatamus
  • Deloris and her friend
  • casting off
  • new adventures
  • awww's
  • new words
  • new signs
  • desires
  • A "Wahlberg sandwich" (oh wait - that is a desire... oops!)
  • my big comfy bed
  • the zamboni
  • making "cranky the cabbie laugh"
  • loaner cars
  • fantasy
  • reality
  • water - lots and lots of water!



nope not another hockey post.

Todd got me the Zamboni for Christmas. It was all I wanted - really. It has made my life SO much easier!

First, spring is "mud season" here. Then, Colin spilled soy milk on the floor and Todd threw a towel on it a la Big Daddy.

Zamboni to the rescue!


think that is nasty? you should have seen the water I emptied out of the thing!