It's a tree and a flower.


5 points if you can name the tree/flower
10 points if you can name the movie!

The flowering trees are in bloom. Spring is finally here. Spring brings with it warm weather, sunshine and fresh air. It also brings rain. In my house, change of season also mean that Todd's bipolar flares up.

I love my husband, but I HATE the disease. I hate that it can come without warning. I hate that people think he is just crazy or that he has some control over it (He doesn't. It is a chemical imbalance.). I hate that there is nothing I can do about it.

I'm an engineer. I solve problems - it's my job. He can't control it and I can't fix this and it just pisses me off.

When he has an "episode", the best I can do is get him to take his "happy pills" and wait for the bipolar to subside and my husband to return when the meds wear off. When he finally regains consciousness, he remembers little to nothing of what happened. He goes back to living life as normal.

Unfortunately, I don't get a little pill that knocks me out until everything is wonderful again. I don't get the joy of not remembering. The damage is done and I am left to pick up the pieces (sometimes literally) and try to explain things to my kids.

What I do get is a big pile of "suck it up" with a side order of "be strong". yeah thanks. That will help a lot when we are both locked up in the loony bin (Do think they'd let us share a room?). I am human. I can only take so much.

Don't get me wrong. When things are good - and they usually are- they are very good. But when he has an episode, I feel like the world is falling down around me. I always take them as a personal assault (I am being figurative here. He has never and would never hurt me or the kids). I feel like I let it happen- like I let him and our family down.

The biggest bitch of it all is that what I need most when all this shit is going on is for my husband to rub my shoulders, kiss my neck and tell me everything is going to be fine. Problem is, my husband, partner and best friend is (hopefully) well sedated. It is just me and my depleting stockpile of "deal with it" putting on a smile for the kids. There is only so much a pot of tea and knitting can do (but they do help a lot. I always carry emergency knitting - even if it isn't "practical").

By now, if you've actually read this far, you are probably wondering what the hell brought this on. Yesterday was all about the kids and yarn - today, Bipolar. Well, he's had 2 fairly minor episodes in the last 6 weeks, with a hypo manic phase in between. While the severity and duration was small, the frequency is what worries me. I fear what is called "rapid cycling" - lots of ups and downs in a short period of time. People don't rapid cycle for long. Either they get it under control or it kills them. He was rapid cycling when he was diagnosed 10 years ago and it was brought under control. If it happens again, can someone come please watch my kids, because I think they'll be carting me off as well.

So, what was the point of this? Not to bitch/whine/complain about a fairly personal matter on the Internet - not my style. I tend to aim my wrath at its intended target rather than suck the people around me into my vortex. The reason I am posting this (and I am hesitating on the publishing part) is that people with BPD, have a variety of drugs and support groups at their disposal. Those of us that love someone with BPD are pretty much screwed. I'm hoping I am not alone in this. I'm pretty sure I'm not and I hope that someone who needs to know that they aren't alone reads this and finds at least a shred of comfort or relief. Also, Todd and I have never kept his illness a secret. why give it that kind of power over our lives? It already has enough.


  1. First off, they're dogwoods.

    Second, I think talking about this publicly is the best thing you can do, particularly given that there isn't support out there for spouses and family members. So don't delete this. I think you said it perfectly when you said you can't give the disease any more power than it already has.

  2. Girl you know that I wished I can be there for you, you know that. And with it being crazy you know that I would come over and watch the kids!!!!! Tell everyone that I love them!

  3. Kimmy- I know you would! you got me through the worst. Sure you can't come over for tea? it's only what? 8 hours?

  4. I *know* I have read somewhere about a support group/site for family of those with BPD. I am going to find it for you ASAP.

    Until then, know that if you need a break, if you need tea, if you need anything, I'm just 30 minutes away.

  5. Cynthia- I'd LOVE the info when you find it! I'll drop you an e-mail for our GNO!

  6. 1.It's a dogwood.
    2."The American President"

    Love them both! And love your blog.