The return of TGIF 9/4/09

First... this is a temporary return. I will get back to regular blogging when things settle out a bit more. Things are going well.. but it is a journey.

• A cool new job with a great boss and a interesting yet pleasant cast of characters.
• Three big kids in school (pictures are comming).
• Colin's "big" Pre-K classroom (OK - so he is the only kid in his class... REALLY!)
• A healthy hubby.
• A family room that is a family room again!!!
• knitting
• quilting - Goddess pictures are comming too. they are on Mom's computer
• the great big list
• The other even bigger list
• my Sunday night gang
• Birthday Boy #1

(yeah that is a pile of Bakugan Birthday Cake Balls! )

• Birthday boy #2

(That is a Tofutti "ice cream" cake.)

• sanity and serenity
• being back on the bike
• Brown Gables

So... Here is the thing with these lists. The concept is taken form Mama Gena. But it is really about (for me) self-reflection. I take stock of every thing that I have and see how blessed I really am. Then I make a list of my desires ..big and small. It helps me put things in perspective. Where I'm comming from and where I am going.

Well, last week, I wasn't able to get to the blog, but I put pen to paper. I wrote and wrote and wrote. The thoughts just came pouring out and didn't want to stop! Then I took a look back at what I wrote. Suddenly.... my life made sense. The path I've taken.. the twists.. the turns... falling off of a cliff of two...

The most amazing thing I realized was that I know now where it is I want my life to be headed. Still not sure how I'm going to make it from here to there, but I now have a clear goal in mind. I'm refreshed, relieved and inspired!

so... go make you own list of grattitudes and desires! enjoy!

"Goin' to a Party"

I had a roommate at RPI who collected Eeyore. She had one talking one who said "Goin' to a party.." when you pushed a button. I don't know if hers was defective, haunted or possessed, but it would randomly talk to me when he and I were alone in the room... creepy. It is a good thing I liked my roomie so much or Eeyore might have had an unfortunate accident in teh basement of the JEC... (that is where we CivE's kept all of our toys tools for breaking shit. Fun place!)

Anyway... I'm feeling a bit like Eeyore these days. I'm feeling like the Universe has taken a big crap on my life and my house. It is hard to remain optomisitic in the middle of a shit storm. Seems like the only thing that makes me smile these days are my kids - but they get me aggrivated too...

This is the part of this post that I was going to list all of the crap that has happened to us in the last month. I deleted it. Some of it is information that really isn't mine to publicize, but, mostly i don't want to focus any mor eenergy than I need to on it.

What really sucks is that I have little to no control over ANY of it. mostly, I just need to sit and wait it out. I hate that! I can't just do nothing! So, I've decided to crank up the TSO, put away the Halloween decorations (no- not joking) and get ready for Santa because he WILL be here before we know it! I hear Wii may be having a very nice Christmas....

It's My First Time...

receiving a blog award. This is from Meghann the award reads: "This blog invests in and accredits closeness."

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award".

Even though Meghann claims that she isn't good at following my blog, I suppose she's read enough to know that I needed it today. So I have gracioulsy accepted this award and pass it on with pleasure to some of the nicest bloggers I know:

and in my spare time...
Vegan Heart Doc
Cygknit

Missives From Suburbia

FMFO

Veronica Revisited
Glass by Adelina
indigirl

In other news... Todd comes home today. I installed an alarm system last night. JR has a pouinding headache, but is otherwise OK.

home invasion

As if there isn't enough drama in my life... one of those shit head punks from next door (had to be them) broke in my house this morning. went through my purse and took some cash (left more cash, vicoden and my mp3 player...and the portable DVD player was on the floor.) JR came upstairs to make tea and must have startled them and they pushed him down the stairs. he hit his head. said he was OK, but he seemed a little out of it to me. I've had ENOUGH. those punks are getting the smack down.

Clarity

For the last 12 years or so, I've been doing whatever I could to make life easier for Todd to deal with his BPD. I've walked on eggshells, handled him with Kidd gloves. I've buffered him from the world. there were time I've had to remind him to take his meds. There were also many times I had to beg, plead and bribe him to take them.

For the most part, he did what he was supposed to. Took his meds and behaved himself. Inevitably, something happens. He gets sick, seasonal change, extreme stress... and he is off his meds and out of whack (not always in that order...). Then, I am left to deal with the fallout - much of it he never remembers. I do. I am left to work, cook, clean and care for the kids. All while trying to minimize the crap that I know is coming. My friends and family keep telling me how strong I am. Well I am TIRED of being strong! I want normal, calm mundane and even a bit boring would be nice.

This past Saturday, he became suicidal. I called 911. He was so pissed at me for ruining his plans that he told me he was going to refuse his meds, sign himself out and file for divorce. Now, my initial reaction was the usual. I pleaded with him to take his pills. I told him we would work through this. Then I went outside to call home and check on the kids (no, they didn't witness any of the chaos. they think Daddy is in the hospital because of his concussion.). When I came back into his room, he was asleep and I decided to go home. I left my number with his nurse and asked her to keep me posted.

While I was driving home, I started thinking "What if it comes to divorce? What am I going to do?" you know what I realized? I can hire a hot young manny and move on with my life. I took a mental look around my life and took note of just how many friends and family were there to support me. It was a great deal more than I had ever realized before. Most importantly, the boys and I would be just fine.

This little epiphany has taken away the fear of the "what if". I now know that whatever is ahead of me, I am OK with it and I am going to be OK. Somewhere along the way I started to lose sight of my self, my desires, and my happiness. It is time I try to remember what they were. After all, if Mommy isn't happy.. no one is.

I am through tip-toeing around Todd. He needs to face life - and his meds and man it up. This isn't to say that I am going to pursue the divorce. I'm not. Not at this point anyway. My husband is the love of my life and when things are good (which is most of the time) they are VERY good. I am giving him the chance to take control of his health and engage in his life and his family. If he doesn't care about himself, why should anyone else?

I'm sure I probably sound like a bitch. I have been scared, hurt, angry and now, I'm beyond that. I have reached acceptance. I have accepted whatever is ahead of me and I am ready to face it.

so much to say...

This has not been a great week 'round these parts. (<-- understatement of the century!)

There is so much I want to say and so much I need to say, but I can't. I keep finding myself staring at a blank post with my fingers in the "home position" and I am just at a loss...

Partly, it is because this is rather personal. Partly because it is still fresh and raw. Mostly though, I think it is because I am still sorting out what it is exactly that I am thinking and feeling.

I think the biggest blog-blocker is that I don't want to be judged. I don't want advice. If I didn't think that my experience would help someone else, I'd just scribble my thoughts in my journal (the paper kind - so I can burn it on my death bed) and be done with it. I have some wonderful friends - more than I knew - that have been there to hold me up these last few days. They've also let me fall apart when I needed to - and I did/do need to. Sometimes it is enough to make a pot of tea, hand me a box of Kleenex and listen.

Once I gather my thoughts into something coherent, I will try again to share my adventures in bipolar land.

Does this President come with a Warranty?

I feel like our nation has just bought a used car. Sure, It looks great and the engine sounds good. We haven't even taken it for a test drive yet. I really hope it isn't a lemon.

Maybe I'm a cynic. Maybe I'm just bitter. I just don't trust or believe anything a politician has to say. Obama talked a big game, made a lot of promises, but all he has done so far is get elected. Now this is truly an historic event, but it isn't enough to turn this country around. Come January 20, he needs to stand behind those promises and make this country a better place to live, work and raise a family.

Election Day

It is Election Day here in the great US of A. If this is news to you, please, do the rest of us a favor - stay home. Don't vote.

I have made my choice and I will be voting this evening. I am, however, underwhelmed by the options given. I think we are screwed no matter what. I also think that our choice for VP is probably more important now than in any other election. scary actually.If the old white guy wins, he may not live out his term, but if the young black guy wins, well... lets hope they hire extra secret service... ignorant assholes abound (let's just hope they don't vote).

the thing is... I'm fed up. none of the candidates really impress me. I can't get passionate about any of them. the Democrats started campaigning early and hard for the nominations. so much so that by the time the primaries rolled around I was already reaching election overload. Now, when it counts, I'm almost to the point of not caring any more. Almost. I intend to reserve my God given right as an American to complain for the next four years.

I'm tired of the mud slinging. I'm tired of being told why I shouldn't vote for the other candidate. I'm tired of being told what the parties think I want to hear. I don't want to be sold a used car. I'm pretty sure that neither candidate is the Antichrist, Hitler or Darth Sideous. We have a system of checks and balances so that our nation won't descend into an evil Empire. Although, much of the world assumes we already have.

Now, today... it is almost over. FINALLY. but, until 8pm EST I still need to endure the "get out and vote" campaign. It was written on my bus. The cunductor reminded us to vote at every station stop. Most of my friends have changed thier Facebook status to reflect thier vote (the rest are in Canadian).

Yes, I KNOW it is time to vote. I will vote.. now, can we get back to the "real" news. I need to get caught up on Brittney Spears' latest baby daddy drama and Linday Lohan's criminal record...

Ode to Joy

Surround yourself with Joy and it will lift you just as easily as other's sorrow will drag you down.

It can be hard to chose what you surround yourself with. You don't want to abandon those you love when they need your support because it brings you down. But you can seek joy.

What is nice is when Joy finds you.

Recently, I was witness to a friend receiving some wonderful news. The next day was filled with the childish joy of Halloween (and candy!). Then, I watch a friend as he went head over heels for a decent, deserving woman. I've known him more than 10 years and I have never seen him so happy.

Now, none of this directly affects me. I wasn't waiting for any test results and I'm an old married lady. So why do I feel like I'm on cloud 9? Is it their joy surrounding me... or do I just need to get a life of my own?

BOO!

It's like a ghost blog this week....

I'm writing - but nothing I can blog.

I'm knitting - but nothing I can blog.

my kids have the pre-Halloween crazies and I'm going crazy. I'm going to need the night out on Friday...

stay tuned for some spooky TGIF tomorrow.

Another Random Recap

Kids:
Saturday, we took the kids to Devon Day. there were rides, ice cream, popcorn, magic show, and, of course, face painting. Andy got a Praying Mantis (his favorite bug. he actually found one hanging out in my veggie garden a couple of weeks ago. Good bugs.. we like that!)

Ryan got a Hermit Crab (or so he called it) "tattoo" on his arm. No, he's not like his dad AT ALL...




Colin's vocab is just EXPLODING! new words every day. I forgot how amazing this phase is.

The boys filled up the marble jar and were rewarded with a shopping spree at the book store. I've never seen them so overwhelmed with options.. not even at the toy store!

This is week 2 of Karate Camp. The boys had So much fun last week, that we didn't need to think twice about sending them to the additional week.

Knitting:
I am making slow but steady progress on my Anniversary Shawl. I've gotten this beading thing down, so the pace is picking up now. It still looks like a mess of seaweed, just with pearls in it now. Once I finish this tier, I'll try to pin it out for some pictures.

Since Ryan liked Todd's socks so much, and I had so much yarn leftover, he is getting a pair too. They are my current commuter knit.



I finished my shorts, short of weaving in the ends. I'm not loving them. I need to force myself to sew in the ends, try them on and give them a change before I decide they are an UGH! and yes, I will take pictures of the monstrosity for your amusement.

Assholes:

We had a great streak going there for a while.... but this asshole blew it last night. Just when I thought people were getting the picture...


Injuries:

According to my doctor, my leg is healing well. I think it still looks pretty nasty, but hey, he went to Med School... I didn't... I'm back on my bike, but not without pain when I pedal. It is still better than driving or taking the cab.. I think I've become addicted to my daily rides. There are worse things....

As far as the legal action, I was contacted by the drivers insurance company and referred them to my lawyer, so I guess that ball is starting to roll...

oh- and it isnt' just me, see!

KABOOM!

Well, I started off my Holiday weekend a little early and with a big bang. Due to possible probable legal actions, I'm not going to go into detail here, but, this is what happens when a car pulls out in front of a bike.

you'll notice that while I have street slicks on them, those are trail rims - heavier and stronger than street rims.... yeah... If you look closely, you will also see that the left brake lever is a bit on the reddish side... That'd be from impaling me in the thigh. Luckily, it went into some "well placed padding" (those were teh doctors words - not mine!) so it wasn't the worst case injury. I did end up with 7 stitches and a rather nasty bruise. I'll spare you the pictures....

While I was home and resting on my now 5-day weekend, my boys took good care of me. Dr. Andy was fascinted by my stitches and the wound itself. Ryan was busy making sure I had everything I needed and even helped me change the bandage. Maybe we have a nurse in the making? or maybe he was sucking up for marbles. By Sunday, they were over me and back to being seagulls*.

I had the camera out, taking pictures of the bike before Todd brought it back to the bike shop and I kept hearing a little voice say "cheese.. CHEESE!"

then a not so little voice say "ME TOO!"

On the 4th we went to my in-laws for a cook-out and fireworks. I had the camera out to show them the bike pictures and I heard it again..."Mommy.. CHEESE!"


then another "ME TOO!"

I think his SuperHero Face ended up looking more like a mug shot...

I just happened to catch this one... how CUTE is this?


Happy belated Independance Day!

*If you didn't get this, watch Nemo. the seagulls are exactly like little kids - "mine mine mine".

Shout out

I just wanted to give a quick shout out to whomever found my blog by blogsearching "my whore". Did you enjoy the geraniums? hope you like them!

Monday morning

some thoughts from the weekend:

• I don't think the Hulk was actually a result of Gamma Radiation. I think he was bipolar.
• We're going to see Maiden. Todd is considerably more excited than I am, but I am actually looking forward to it.
• Andy made a fantastic block in soccer yesterday. He then proceeded to pick dandelions. I did try to get pictures, but that turned out to be a bunch of blue and white blurs. They did win the game.
• Tequila can make people say/do strange things - and no - I didn't get naked in the moon bouncer- no matter how many time I was asked told to.
• Saturday, Todd has announced that he WILL quit smoking as soon as he gets his red belt. He got his second stripe that day.

Random Monday

1. Baby Tad-

Ryan unearthed his and gave it to Colin - who is enthralled by this thing! "Six minutes till night-night" Yet another reason why I love leapfrog! The first being that they replaced all the toys that were burned, melted or otherwise ruined in "the fire". I just had to return the carcass to them and they sent a replacement. (So did Learning Curve and Fisher Price.)

2. C'elle Revisited- I was telling Todd about it - and he asked if we could sell my C'elles. men....

3. Outlet Shopping- We packed the kids up in the SUV and headed to the outlets to get shoes for Thing 1 and Thing 2. We ended up getting Sketchers for them, Colin and me for only $130! (I would have paid that just for the Things' Airators at the local shoe store.) Then I found out that the Little Me outlet was closing... 2 Christmas outfits, PJs and argyle socks! Checked out the Gap outlet too (no WAY I am paying regular price in the Gap!) fleece pants for #2 and #3, PJ pants for #1 and 3 long sleeve Ts for #3. Why are long sleeve Ts SO hard to find without the snap crotch?

4. Fall yardwork - check. Now my shoulders and knees are killing me! Todd still needs to finish chopping fire wood and bagging the leaves.

5. my knee- I forgot to blog about my irritated patella. Three months of PT (exercises at home) should solve the problem. I tripped over the stupid baby gate and landed on said patella - which is no longer irritated - it's PISSED. sigh...