Clarity

For the last 12 years or so, I've been doing whatever I could to make life easier for Todd to deal with his BPD. I've walked on eggshells, handled him with Kidd gloves. I've buffered him from the world. there were time I've had to remind him to take his meds. There were also many times I had to beg, plead and bribe him to take them.

For the most part, he did what he was supposed to. Took his meds and behaved himself. Inevitably, something happens. He gets sick, seasonal change, extreme stress... and he is off his meds and out of whack (not always in that order...). Then, I am left to deal with the fallout - much of it he never remembers. I do. I am left to work, cook, clean and care for the kids. All while trying to minimize the crap that I know is coming. My friends and family keep telling me how strong I am. Well I am TIRED of being strong! I want normal, calm mundane and even a bit boring would be nice.

This past Saturday, he became suicidal. I called 911. He was so pissed at me for ruining his plans that he told me he was going to refuse his meds, sign himself out and file for divorce. Now, my initial reaction was the usual. I pleaded with him to take his pills. I told him we would work through this. Then I went outside to call home and check on the kids (no, they didn't witness any of the chaos. they think Daddy is in the hospital because of his concussion.). When I came back into his room, he was asleep and I decided to go home. I left my number with his nurse and asked her to keep me posted.

While I was driving home, I started thinking "What if it comes to divorce? What am I going to do?" you know what I realized? I can hire a hot young manny and move on with my life. I took a mental look around my life and took note of just how many friends and family were there to support me. It was a great deal more than I had ever realized before. Most importantly, the boys and I would be just fine.

This little epiphany has taken away the fear of the "what if". I now know that whatever is ahead of me, I am OK with it and I am going to be OK. Somewhere along the way I started to lose sight of my self, my desires, and my happiness. It is time I try to remember what they were. After all, if Mommy isn't happy.. no one is.

I am through tip-toeing around Todd. He needs to face life - and his meds and man it up. This isn't to say that I am going to pursue the divorce. I'm not. Not at this point anyway. My husband is the love of my life and when things are good (which is most of the time) they are VERY good. I am giving him the chance to take control of his health and engage in his life and his family. If he doesn't care about himself, why should anyone else?

I'm sure I probably sound like a bitch. I have been scared, hurt, angry and now, I'm beyond that. I have reached acceptance. I have accepted whatever is ahead of me and I am ready to face it.